By Deborah Serani, PsyD, as told to Hallie Levine
When it comes to talking about how depression affects relationships, Iâm the expert. And itâs not just because Iâm a psychologist. Iâve lived with major depressive disorder since I was 19. I not only work on this issue with my patients, but I encounter it in my own life every single day.
Thereâs no doubt that strong relationships can help provide a buffer against depression and lessen the severity of depressive episodes. One study, for example, followed American adults aged 25-75 for 10 years and found that people who reported poor relationships with their spouse or other family members were at higher risk of depression.
But it can be hard to maintain relationships when youâre hurting so much yourself. Hereâs what I tell my patients and what I want everyone who experiences depression, and those who care about them, to know.
Depression can be hard to understand because itâs an âinvisibleâ illness. This is especially true if you struggle with it yourself. Most of us âgetâ that a broken leg is an injury, for example, and that we need a cast and crutches so we can move around. But if you have symptoms of depression such as moodiness, difficulty concentrating, trouble sleeping, and just generally feeling sad and uninterested in anything, it can be hard to resist the temptation to just tell yourself to snap out of it.
But if you donât accept the fact that your depression is real, and just as much of a chronic illness as high blood sugar or arthritis, youâll be setting yourself up for relationship trouble. Why? Youâre setting unrealistic expectations for yourself.
Your loved ones want to help you and make your life easier. They need you to tell them what youâre up for, and when you need help, or a break. Spouses and other family members tend to over-worry. You can make their lives and yours easier if youâre simply upfront about how you feel.
Make clear that depression isnât your everything. Itâs easy for loved ones to mistake real, authentic sadness or irritability for depression. You might be upset about the situation in Ukraine, or worried about COVID-19, and a loved one will mistake these genuine emotions as just a relapse of symptoms.
Again, theyâre just looking out for you and your health. I recommend that you be upfront with them and say, âNo, itâs not that I skipped my medicine, or that my depression is worsening. I have a real legitimate reason to be upset, and itâs X, Y or Z.â Then talk to them about it. Youâll feel better for sharing your thoughts and theyâll feel better knowing that youâve got a handle on your symptoms.
This is especially true when it comes to children. My daughter, who is now in her 30s, is used to having a mom with depression. When she was little, I could tell that she worried about me when I seemed quiet or moody. Iâd at times have to reassure her that mom was fine.
Kids who have parents with depression tend to feel like they need to walk on eggshells, that they donât want to upset that parent. They want to be caretakers, and they forgo their own needs because they want to make sure that they donât set up a row of collapsing dominos for their mom or dad with a chronic illness.
Itâs important that both you and your partner reassure them that they donât need to feel that way. Let them know that yes, youâre OK, but you might need some time in the sun or to go for a walk outdoors to regroup and begin to feel like yourself again. Just as itâs important for you to check in on your own mental health, check in on theirs.
Be selective about who you share your depression diagnosis with. It might seem that you âshouldâ be open about your depression and let your boss and co-workers know. But think carefully before doing so. Yes, weâve come a long way in understanding mental illness, but itâs still stigmatized. Employers view depression differently than other chronic conditions like heart disease.
Iâve found this to be true in my own professional life. Yes, Iâve found that it helps patients to know that I also have days when I struggle to get out of bed, or that Iâm well acquainted with the side effects of certain antidepressant medications. The stigma Iâve faced has been, surprisingly, from other therapists, who feel that Iâm oversharing.
As a result, Iâve learned to be very careful about whom I share personal struggles with. You can have depression and be a wonderful parent and have a stellar career. But thereâs still this misconception that if you have this condition, youâre flawed as a person. Itâs very sad, but unfortunately, itâs a reality.
Check in with yourself frequently. It wonât just help you; it will help your relationships. I ask patients to ask themselves these three questions at least once every few weeks:
- Has your partner commented that you seem more moody, sad, or irritable lately?
- Have you found yourself struggling every day for at least 2 weeks in more than one situation? (For example, feeling overwhelmed with both your work and your kids.)
- Are you finding it hard to do things with family and friends that you usually enjoy, like seeing a movie or going out to eat?
If at least one of your answers is yes, then check in with your therapist. And if you donât have a therapist right now, consider getting one. You may also be due for a medication check, whether itâs to change drugs or up your dose.
Make it a priority to have some self-care time, too. It may seem like a luxury you canât afford, either financially or time-wise. But if you take just a few minutes a week, whether itâs going to the gym or taking a relaxing bath, youâll feel better about yourself and be more willing to give in your relationships. Trust me. Your partner, kids, friends, and other family members will thank you.
